"That's What She Said" by Valet Parking

By Kris Walsh

“Snap! Crackle! Pop!” goes Valet Parking, in (what I presume to be) their debut album, “That’s What She Said,” right from the beginning. It’s just like a sugary breakfast cereal that all the kids love to chomp down until it starts to get soggy – and then they usually ditch the half-eaten mess in the sink or they spill it all into the trash, milk and all. Unfortunately, this disaster happens rather quickly for the mush of fluff and corn starch that is this album, making its entirety rather hard to swallow without a slight cringe, and a great sympathy for my sensory organs.

The first song on the album, “Emo Eye for the Normal Guy,” is a mediocre opener, which more or less succeeds in providing a means to draw a listener in. The primary problem with the song is that it doesn’t quite have an original sound, as the boundaries of this genre of music have already been well-scoured for whatever cheap tricks can be found long ago. It’s a start on the right foot, but treading in a path well-worn by the countless admirers of bands like Green Day and Blink 182, who thought grabbing a guitar and mimicking their favorite musicians was the key to success.

Mostly composed of fast, sloppy drums adjoined at the hip to the ever-popular formula of “four guitar chords = 1 catchy riff,” this album leaves a lot to be desired. This tedious and trying gauntlet lasts over 45 minutes and, unfortunately, there is little dynamic between each successive track, suggesting to me that this band has very few musical influences. However, “The Way He Sees Things” gives a better attempt at composure than the majority of the other songs, throwing a curveball here and there – which certainly shows Valet Parking can make a pop-punk song that doesn’t follow the general standards of the genre so tightly. “516” and “The End of an Ongoing Story” are also well-done songs that show the band has, at least, some integrity.

Unfortunately, the compositions of songs like “A Toast To Us,” “Insert Long Unnecessary Title Here,” “Your Space Sucks” and “Goodbye California” all fail to give a very respectable display, and take a hard pitfall into a mire of the predictable and overused. Unless Valet Parking takes the time necessary to wean itself from consistently using the same techniques, the band shouldn’t expect any further success.

“Call 911 Bush Is on Fire” is one of the few songs that had the potential to grab the attention of more mature listeners, but unfortunately, it fails quite miserably. Another sloppy mess, this song is about a legitimate topic, but it has no substance. It’d have been nice if the lyrics portrayed a better understanding of why the band dislikes America’s unpopular president, rather than stating - what I’m sure the band was sure were astute observations - Bush had “…put on a shitty magic show” and “…pulled a rabbit out of his ass.” That may be enough for those who don’t really pay much attention to politics, but those who want to see such arguments would generally like a little more depth to it.

Judging from what the band brings to the table, it appears Valet Parking has some potential, which can only be tapped if the band is willing to expand their horizons and seek out new ways to express their ideas. This problem seems to be primarily drawn from the band being a bit young and simply without proper experience. As it stands, the quality of That’s What She Said makes for a fair EP but ranks poorly as a full-length album, as it simply lacks the professionalism required for real musical success. Hopefully, with some time and a bit of hard work, the band will be less prone to childish antics, and actually produce an enjoyable musical experience.

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